Tool Descriptions

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
those freshly painted parts you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off of bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about
the time it takes you to say, “Ah, sh…”

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16″ or
1/2″socket you’ve been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X6: Used for levering an automobile
upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A misnomer. It is a tool ten times
harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in removing bolts you
couldn’t use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine
vitamin,” which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, it’s main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs
at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
during the first few hours of Desert Storm. More often dark than
light, its name is also somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
peanut jar lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years
ago by someone at an auto manufacture, and neatly rounds off the heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
not far from the object targeted.

MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, fingers, palms and
rubber or plastic parts.Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while being worn.

JESUS CLIP: Also known as circlips, e-rings and by other technical
descriptions, they are nearly impossible to remove even with the
proper tools, and immediately create lift and fly into the unknown
zone when they’re about 3/4 of the way off. For Jesus Clip
reinstallation, see HAMMER above.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling “DAMMIT” at the top of your lungs. It is also
the next tool that you will need.

This came from the Locost North America list courtsey of Russel Amos